Why help me up then push me when im already on my knee ?

Bismillahirahmanirahim...
Assalamualaikum...

16 Sept 2013 , I feel like im standing so strong , no one can break me down . I feel like not even a giant can push me . I feel like im the happiest person on earth . I feel so safe in his arm . I feel so secure . I feel so loved . I feel alive . I feel like falling in love again . I feel like i finally found the reason why im broken in my past . I wake up with a smile on my face . Not even a single tears fall .

17 Sept 2013 (12.20am)

Here i am writting this blog with tears fall from my eyes . I m weak , all the strength i felt before has gone . Every single things seems to break me down . Now even a tiny germ can push me . I feel like im nothing in this world . Im no longer safe . I feel betrayed . Im dying . I hate falling in love . Now i keep on asking myself why is this happening to me ? I lost the reason why im hurt before and now im searching for a new reason why im hurt now ? I couldnt find any reason to smile .

Dear heartbreaker ,
Why did u came in to my life ? Why make false promises ? Why make me trust u so much then break me ? Why did u hurt me when u know im already broken ? Why lie to someone who never hurt u or lie to u ? Why choose the one who's already broken then break her once again ? What did i do to u ? Tell me why ?  I cant live in this world with all this question in my head . Want to know what i want to do now ? Right now , right on this second ?

1. I want to scream to this world WHY WHY WHY ? but i know they'll be no answer .
2. I want to cry out loud but i cant . Im afraid my family would hear it and they'll be worry sick .
3. I want to pack my bag and run away but i cant . I cant live without my family .
4. I want to hug and cry to my bestfriend but i cant . They way to far now .
5. I want to call u and shout at u but i cant . Because i would never hurt the one i love .
6. I want to just die now so i wont feel hurt but i cant . Its against my religion

The fact of what im doing right now :

1. Im screaming why why why on my twitter .
2. I cry and cry and cry silently under my blanket
3. I pack ur stuff and keep it away .
4. I hug myself and look at my bestfriend picture wishing they're here .
5. I delete u , i ignore ur message and off my phone
6. I hold my heart while its aching and tell it to stay strong

It was my mistake . I trust too much . I shouldnt hold on to u too much . I should have stand on my own . I shouldnt let u in on the first place . No worries , I'll always pray the best for u . Why ? because i dont want another girl get hurt just like im hurt today . 

Lots of love ,

Natasha Norazri